Hello everyone and happy Thursday thank you for joining me at real talk I’m Gretchen hi no professional certified life and business coach and today we’re going to jump in and talk about and do the second week of our series of secrets you know last week we talked all about being sick as your secrets and how we feel that.
Emotionally spiritually and physically and this week we’re going to continue to talk about how secrets create havoc in your life and we’re.
Gonna start finding those secrets um last week you know one of the things that we went over was secrets and why they were created and you know a big reason is they were created to protect you and so even those secrets are those things that can bury themselves down into our body and make us feel badly I want you to honor your secrets and to think about the reasons that they’re there last week for homework I asked.
Everyone to write down your top three secrets and the ways that they’re keeping you from living a great big life you know because when we.
Have secrets we automatically live small it’s impossible not to we really do have the belief that if people knew the thing that we did they wouldn’t like us loved us hire us let us drive the carpool all of those sorts of things so having secrets does make your playing field much smaller than it would be if you didn’t have those secrets so I hope that you did get a chance to write those down we’re going to.
To build upon today and in the.
Weeks to come so let’s talk about the four different types of secrets that there.
Are their secrets of the body secrets of the mind secrets of the other and secrets of the soul and before we delve into this too much I really want to ask you.
To be gentle with yourself as we look at all of this and I commend you for listening today and for being a part of it and for being brave enough to even start thinking about.
Your secrets even if you don’t do the homework and you don’t write things down it’s okay being here and.
Just hearing it can be enough to start thinking about what it is that you really want and to give voice even internal voice to those thoughts that you have that you’ve been holding on to for a long time so I think it’s a to start by talking about the main reasons that people keep their.
Secrets and I found that there’s three the first one is that people keep secrets because they believe that there’s something wrong with them they have a deficiency they’re embarrassing and they don’t want others to know you know another core we all just want to belong so if we have this belief that there’s something wrong.
With us we keep a secret about it and just think about that for a minute you know I’ve had times where I thought if anyone knew about my hot temper how quickly I can get hot and then cool off that.
They wouldn’t like me you know they wouldn’t hire me they wouldn’t want.
To be in relationship with me so I kept secrets about it think of what some of yours might be the second one is vulnerability even think of that word for a minute being vulnerable about certain parts of ourselves can feel like giving power to another person who can later use it against us so when I was a kid there was a lot of alcoholism in my house and it was something that I didn’t want people to know about because I.
Didn’t want it to be used against me I had a best friend who lived up the street and she wasn’t allowed to play with me anymore when her family learned about the alcoholism in our house and so that was one of.
The ways that I learned to start keeping secrets about things because I had been vulnerable things had happened and it was used against me so think about for yourself when have you told.
The truth about who you are and then it’s been used against you that’s also made you a secret keeper the last one is this belief and this one hurts my heart maybe the very most is that the belief that the world is full of malicious people and that they’re out to get.
You and that they want to hurt you if you give them the chance you know I personally have not struggled very much with this one simply because I come from a mindset that people are not out to get me but I know a lot of people that do believe this to be true and if you come from.
The mindset that people are out to get you then you do tend to hide who you really are from the world because you don’t want them to hurt you now one thing you should know is that keeping secrets is a habitual pattern it starts in childhood and we’re programmed from an early age by our parents or our.
Caregivers to keep secrets and I’m going to give you an example of some here are some things in your childhood that maybe your parents told you not to say.
You know and these are some of the things that could have turned you into a secret keeper things like don’t tell anyone how much money your father makes don’t tell anyone that Lucy just got out of the hospital don’t tell.
Anyone that your mother was married before don’t tell anyone that you flunked that exam don’t let people know your sister’s going on that trip don’t talk about how much we spent on the dog don’t tell anyone how much you spend on clothes don’t tell anyone you drove over the bicycle that you’ve got plastic surgery and how much money your grandfather gave you for an inheritance don’t tell anyone that you have a disk formed pinky don’t tell anyone that you have a phobia you know don’t tell don’t tell don’t tell and isn’t.
It interesting we are programmed to not tell sometimes we’re not even.
Given a reason not to tell but we start keeping secrets so think of some of those don’t tell us for a moment what.
Don’t tells come to mind for you you know some of them are spoken don’t tells and some of them are don’t tells that you just decide you’re not going to tell for me I really decided I was not going to talk about some of the stuff that went on in the house growing up.
You know don’t tell nobody needs to know everything’s okay here and that’s the preface that we go out with.
Is everything is okay here even when it’s not and often if we would talk about the thing that’s not okay we could get the help that we needed or we could get it right sighs now we’re gonna jump into two secrets today two types secrets of the body and your inner critic and secrets.
Of the mind and playing it small and the first one is that secrets of the body and your inner critic you know many people keep secrets around their body and secrets can run.
From believing that you know you’re fat not good enough eating disorders thinking shamefully about your body abusing your body abusing other people’s body some secrets are about sexual escapades desires lovers sometimes it’s about you know being someone who is used somebody else are letting your body be used what about those times that you’ve used your body for power you know I had a secret for a while in college I really thought that I was too overweight and I took laxatives and I wanted to be skinny.
It didn’t help but I did do that you know that was a secret for a long time and so here’s the thing that happens when a person has a history of having two or more conflicting beliefs about their body they’re vulnerable to all kinds of challenges and this is especially true when we use our bodies to gain stuff you know I think we’ve all been in this that you walk into that room and if you’re an attractive female or attractive male you you use it to.
Your advantage to get things you know when I was in my was 18 I used to use it to get drinks you know what free drinks could somebody bring me if I were tie clothing and flip my hair and did whatever that was you know when we use our.
Body against ourselves we keep secrets about it and what happens then is our inner critic really just starts taking over it tells us that tells us that we’re not good enough it’s really cruel it’s punishing and it sure can be punitive right so think about those things that you have done with your body and how that inner critic has made you just really feel small and ugly and not good enough and used maybe.
As well and if you’re struggling with this the secret what the.
Key here is is to make friends with that inner critic you know you have to start being able to decipher when that inner critic is coming up is it your inner.
Critic or is it the voice of truth.
Most of the time it’s the inner critic saying mean things to you and.
I would encourage you this week to write down your hamster wheel of thoughts so that you can look at them and ask yourself is that 100 percent true is the 100 percent true that I’m not good.
Enough is it a hundred percent true that if I don’t wear that tight t-shirt people won’t pay attention to me is it a hundred percent true that if I don’t do that thing with my body that.
That other person wants me to that they’ll leave me.
Is it a hundred percent true is that a hundred percent true that if I’m not a size zero people won’t like me you know and men have these things too in their own way so write down the thoughts keep track of the thoughts and then I want you to.
Challenge them and when we can challenge the thoughts we are able to separate the two conflicting ideas the truth and the inner critic and we can start eradicating the negative damage that’s been done by our dialogue the second secret if that first one wasn’t enough for you is secrets of the mind and the trap of small thinking and we started on this last week when I asked you write down your top three secrets and how they’re keeping you small and here’s the thing that happens is that.
Secrets keep us in a state of mistaken.
Belief that if the world only knew that they wouldn’t you know fill in the blank and what happens is that our internal dialogue that negative dialogue runs continuously and can become unstoppable secrets.
Of the mine are particularly powerful because they tell you stories like you’ll never be good enough good girls don’t do that manly men don’t do that you really should just stop wishing and dreaming and spending on your dream because you’re never gonna have it you’re not the right kind you know and.
It’s when you think about that there’s sadness there giving up on the things that you really want because of this negative mindset it’s like a trap door holding a person down with their own negativity so secrets of the mind also includes your private thoughts you know we had a really interesting political few years and there were a lot of people that maybe wanted to keep hittin the things that they thought a lot of Fox were held against them sometimes people have secrets about their.
Opinions or hot topics they don’t want to be judged for whatever it is that their truth is and here’s the thing that I’m just going to put out to you is one person’s truth doesn’t have to be bad compared to another person’s there can be two opposing truths that are true for the individual but maybe not true.
For somebody else and they don’t have to work against each other but we hold those secrets because we want to be liked and we want to be accepted so think about that for a minute what truths what beliefs do you have that maybe are in opposition with somebody else’s that you don’t want people to know and how is holding that truth getting in your way to success you know to happiness to joy think about.
That for a minute when we break free from secrets of the mind we can finally stand for ourselves you know understanding for ourselves does not mean that we have to stand in opposition or against anyone else it just means that we get to authentically live our.
Live our lives you know and for this secret I want you.
To really think about the fears that are holding you back from living.
Authentically why are you playing it small what would really happen if people knew what would happen if you admitted to yourself your real story because when you do that the possibilities open up but when we keep secrets we hold our possibilities away at arm distance.
And so my hope for you today is that you can put some of this down on paper and start to take a look at the lies that you tell yourself so that you can reclaim the life that you want so that’s the two types.
Of secrets next week we’re gonna look at the remaining two their secrets of the other and trying to belong and secrets of the soul and finding peace and I want to thank you for joining me today and for all of you who mailed me after I sent out that newsletter and after the original first facebook life about your secrets thank you I hope that you’re feeling better because you shared those with.
Somebody be brave if you want to email me anything if you want to private message me go ahead I’m here to hold.